No hawkers, traders or charity bags? Ten Doorstep irritations

Cold calling doorstep callers were a pain before you had children. Now you have a teething baby you are desperately trying to settle, or inquisitive children who rifle through everything, they become the scourge of society.

The Charity Bag: Cold hearted? No. These sacks posted through the door are really dangerous for young children who may get hold of them.

The Chugger: Not content with creating a gauntlet to run through in city centres, this breed of menace will also knock on your door while you are trying to settle children. They will bounce up and down with their clipboard.  As if the intelligent are going to give away their personal details to a gurning youth in a tabard.

Kebab Palace: If it is not patently obvious from the number of junk food menus burgeoning from the recycling box, this household is not interested in your pizza, kebabs, curries or Chinese takeaways.

Sponsor My Walk: No Sonny! You can get the proceeds for your bottle of White Lightening at some other Mug’s house.

Carol Singers/Halloween/Penny for the Guy: As above.

The Utilities Switch: No! I am happy paying huge amounts to my current gas/electricity/internet/mobile/home phone provider without signing over to another crook!

Avon/Kleeneze: Seriously? You post a catalogue full of tat through my door – in a head-sized plastic bag – and actually expect people to look after it for you and give it back safely?

Election Tat: So you local electorate don’t hear from you unless there is an election. Then you send out several trees worth of propaganda on a daily basis and expect us to fall for your twitterings? Muppets.

Leaflets advertising drives, new windows, gardening and other miscellaneous works: Why blindly put a leaflet through the doors of houses that have new windows, no gardens, no space for drives and whose gutters are not over-flowing with debris.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: So, you never do get a rude or pushy Jehovah Witness. They are usually very lovely and usually get the message even if they do leave you with a leaflet featuring a panda. But it doesn’t stop us hiding behind the curtains when we see you wandering the street.

If you are selling something or fully intend upon ringing a doorbell repeatedly to bother a family with your cold-calling nonsense:

1. If they can see you and are not answering the door, it is because they have seen you and don’t want to answer the door.

2. They have turned the doorbell off so they can’t hear you.

3. They have cut the doorbell wire so they can never hear you.

4. The curtains are twitching because they want to see who is bothering them and have decided that Save the Shopping Trolleys and Cumberland Basin Electric are not for them.

5. And if they haven’t switched the doorbell off and you ring in the evening with your perky little face, jump up and down and have woken the baby, don’t be surprised if they brain you with your clipboard.