Going to the cinema is supposed to be fun. Not a torment or trial of patience. It’s not necessarily a cheap activity unless you are going to kids’ club screenings. These are films that make you cry and want to cut your head off after 20 minutes.
Here’s some things you really shouldn’t be doing at the cinema based on our recent experiences. It is surprising they have to be said:
1. It might be delightful to you that your child’s legs are so powerful that when they kick the seat in front it throws the occupant forwards. But from The Occupant’s point of view – stop! The occasional accidental bump is OK. But to treat the back of our seat like a football at Wembley throughout a film is Bad Parenting. Stop letting it happen. Teach your child manners and respect. Better still, learn some yourself first.
2. If you have a cold or sinus problem, blow your nose. Do not snort snot like a pig in the back of someone’s ear for two hours. Disgusting.
3. Are you eating food or snouting for truffles like a pig? Eating food should not be a rustling, masticating Dolby surround sound effect. Decorum please.
4. Is it really a good idea to bring a tiny 12 week old baby to the cinema and let it cry throughout the entire film? Only if you are selfish with no regard for anyone else. Here’s a newsflash – you ruined the film for everyone else.
5. The cinema is not a creche. Why are your children running up and down aisles? Just why? And the best bit is when the parent complains to the cinema manager because their child ran into something in the dark and hurt themselves. Yes this really did happen.
6. As did the person who plugged their phone in to charge. The phone lit up every time a call, text or notification was received. She then walked up and down the aisle talking loudly on the phone. These people should be dumped at sea.
7. Put the phone away full stop. Yes. Away. Switched off. If there is a pressing need to be contactable, do not come to the cinema.
8. The same goes for tablets and lap tops. Why, just why would you come to the cinema, pay to watch a film and then get a lap top out? This really does happen despite it sounding unbelievable.
9. If there is an empty cinema with just two people in it, do not sit in the seats right next to the two people. There are several other hundred seats to pick from. Especially, if you choose to sit next to them, get out your phone, chat, kick seats and snort snot.
10. If you find you are unable to attend the cinema without being an entitled, rude, selfish dingbat, do not go.