{"id":13291,"date":"2011-05-27T09:00:40","date_gmt":"2011-05-27T08:00:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chopsybaby.com\/magazine\/?p=13291"},"modified":"2018-07-02T13:55:25","modified_gmt":"2018-07-02T12:55:25","slug":"hating-judo-and-other-fear-of-failure-giveaways","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chopsybaby.com\/magazine\/hating-judo-and-other-fear-of-failure-giveaways\/","title":{"rendered":"Hating judo \u2013 and other fear of failure giveaways"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Robert Kelsey<\/p>\n

My six year old son achieved something that alluded me as a child. He was awarded a red-belt at judo. This meant a presentation in front of the class and a round of applause. He was delighted.<\/p>\n

So how come he could manage this rather modest achievement, while I couldn\u2019t? Because I had fear of failure. My mother enrolled me on a judo class because she thought I needed toughening up. It always seemed a bit scary to me \u2013 a bit rough \u2013 but I played along hoping it may awaken a hitherto untapped talent for mindless violence. In fact I was hoping to develop the sort of attack mentality I was suffering from on the walk to school \u2013 though from much older boys \u2013 hence this rather 1970s response (I suspect dad had a hand in it somewhere).<\/p>\n

Yet this felt like just another dose of the same \u2013 except in a sports hall (so officially sanctioned) and with people in white dressing gowns. And the teacher had bad breath and a dismissive \u201cuseless boy\u201d way about him. Meanwhile, my son thinks fighting great fun and loves the idea of rolling around on mats and trying to wrestle each other to the ground. The whole thing suits his constant battle fantasies and gives his little brother some respite. And his teacher is a female national champion likely to be in the Great Britain Olympic team. She\u2019s not to be messed with but still oozes warmth and love for her charges, unlike my episode which seemed to bear more of a resemblance to Lord of the Flies.<\/p>\n

So there are key differences in teaching and atmosphere that led my six-year old the right way and me down another activity cul-de-sac (football and the Cubs were two others I joined and, immediately sought to avoid). But the key difference was that he approached judo assuming he\u2019d be good at it and saw the setbacks as just temporary: a technique to be learnt (usually a violent one). While I approached judo fearfully \u2013 expecting to fail. Pretty soon I was complaining to my mother that I was too tired, or more interested in football, or that Blue Peter had an item our teacher wanted us to watch.<\/p>\n

Looking back, my fear of failure was pretty evident. So what are the classic signs that we High-FFs (as I call those with a high fear of failure in What\u2019s Stopping You?) \u2013 both as a child and an adult? Here are a few \u2013 some from personal experience, some from the wide body of psychological research on the subject (and all with the caveat that any one of these traits is not evidence in itself of fear of failure \u2013 there could be other explanations).<\/p>\n

1) Difficulty settling into mainstream activities. As above, this was certainly a major one for me. I just couldn\u2019t settle in any club or formalised non-curricular activity. Partly this was due to an innate rebelliousness (see below) but a core problem was that I secretly feared failure and, therefore, sought to avoid the activity. Occasionally I\u2019d be tempting in \u2013 seeing other boys enjoying football or church-hall dramatics or chess \u2013 but it would never last. Even as an adult, hobbies are fleeting and soon forgotten \u2013 usually after the first humiliation.<\/p>\n

2) Rebelliousness. This can include music-based cultures \u2013 perhaps punks or (more recently) emos where the \u201cshock\u201d is mainly delivered through inappropriate dress. Yet it could develop into something more serious \u2013 perhaps indulging in misdemeanours relevant to the social backdrop of the sufferer. This includes becoming disruptive in class, being a petty vandal, a shop-lifter, car-jack, or even just a smoker. Bullying or, if less confident, becoming one of the bully\u2019s lieutenants is \u2013 surprisingly \u2013 another trait of the classic High-FF (anything that rejects mainstream behaviour).<\/p>\n

3) Exam stress. This is an obvious one but even mild fear of failure can cause extreme exam stress, with High-FFs potentially taking their avoidance tactics (conscious or otherwise) to extremes. Feigning illness (or even experiencing the illness), panic attacks and even deliberately sabotaging the exam are all avoidance tactics (perhaps feigning an \u201cI don\u2019t care\u201d attitude).<\/p>\n

4) \u201cDream fulfilment\u201d careers. Some of the most outwardly-ambitious people may, in reality, be indulging in High-FF avoidance of sensible but challenging career choices. These can include those focused on \u201cwildest dream\u201d career choices such as pop stardom or TV fame. Crucially, the near-impossibility of achieving the dream means they will be kindly judged for being \u201ca trier\u201d, and it may mask their avoidance of realistic but challenging career choices (usually involving qualifications). Watch the early episodes of the X-Factor or any other reality TV show for examples.<\/p>\n

5) Being the clown. This one can follow us all the way through our careers. High-FFs are often the school, office or shopfloor clown \u2013 the joker that everyone likes, despite (and partly because of) their lowly status. On the surface at least, being the popular cheeky-chappie appears to be more important to the office clown that making progress. However, it is usually a mask hiding an inner sense of inadequacy.<\/p>\n

6) Avoiding promotion. High-FFs can actively seek to avoid promotion, even when they are the obvious candidate. Excuses may vary (including claiming a \u201cfear of success\u201d) but it is usually based on an inner conviction that failure and \u2013 importantly \u2013 humiliation will result. Many declare themselves happier among the troops than the officers or show no desire to \u201cfall out with X\u201d who may be contesting the promotion.<\/p>\n

7) Criticising and feuding. The High-FFs view of his or her workplace (or school, studio, college) is most likely to be a negative one. Indeed, High-FFs are usually highly critical of the way all external life is executed \u2013 sometimes publicly and vocally so. They can be part of the moaning canteen gang \u2013 perhaps its leader. And they can direct their criticisms at particular individuals \u2013 usually those they fear. Inevitably this leads to petty rivalries that can even develop into full-blown and disruptive feuds. Oddly, the other end of the scale \u2013 over-enthusiasm \u2013 can also be a mask to hide self-perceived inadequacies.<\/p>\n

8) Injustice convictions. This was definitely one of my major giveaways \u2013 assuming slights or insults were meant and personal, looking (and usually finding) prejudice or favouritism to others (real or otherwise), developing acute paranoia about the intentions of colleagues and managers. Of course, these can all turn into self-fulfilling prophesies if we are not careful, and can also lead to a disastrous vengeful attitude. In its extreme, this can lead to pilfering and absenteeism and other misbehaviour based on a \u201cwhy shouldn\u2019t I?\u201d mentality.<\/p>\n

9) Poor luck. High-FFs are convinced they have poor luck. That they are always in the wrong place at the wrong time, especially at those crucial moments. Job interviews are blighted by late trains or random illnesses (food poisoning from a banana was one of mine). New jobs or promotions have unexpected crises or challenges visited upon them only after we arrive \u2013 all seemingly beyond our control. Of course, in reality we are searching the horizon for icebergs, and immediately manning the lifeboats, rather than giving them the wide berth the previous captain quietly managed.<\/p>\n

10) Choking. This is perhaps an obvious one but one no less harmful for that. Job interviews, presentations, key meetings \u2013 those important moments that require a strong performance are the very moments we lose our self-confidence and \u201cchoke\u201d. We may even develop physical traits such as the shakes, or sweats, or a wobbly voice. More usually we say stupid things, forget obvious answers and come across as a fool: the usual self-fulfilling results of High-FF behaviour, in other words.
\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Robert Kelsey<\/strong> is author of What\u2019s Stopping You? Why Smart People Don\u2019t Always Reach Their Potential and How You Can<\/strong>. Capstone Publishing, \u00a310.99<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Robert Kelsey My six year old son achieved something that alluded me as a child. 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