![\"image002\"](\"http:\/\/chopsybaby.com\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/image002.gif\" "\\"image002\\"")
<\/p>\nA recent staff discussion at Chopsy Baby, left us all feeling that perhaps Cinderella had a pretty good PR department. There was a possibility that her evil stepsisters and scheming stepmother may not have been as bad as they were portrayed to be.\u00a0 Surely there was no way Cinderella could have been a tad manipulative?<\/p>\n
\u201cI found becoming part of a new family made up of two parents with their own set of children was so much harder than I thought it would be,\u201d confesses Abbie Davies, from Bristol.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first it was good because we were all being nice and polite to each other, but things got harder as time went on when it came to keeping everyone happy. The strains of doing the best for all the children, difficulties with grandparents, finance and of course, both our ex partners took their toll.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are so many difficulties and no one to go to when you need help or advice. It’s a complicated mix of emotion, boundaries and parenting children that are not your own. When conflict arises it’s so difficult to communicate it without rowing. Step parenting can tear new families apart very quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n
We asked Sue Atkins, Parent Coach and author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies to tell us how to build a healthy stepfamily.<\/p>\n
Sue is a former Deputy Head with 22 years of teaching experience as well as being a mother to two teenage children. She is an NLP Master Practitioner and trainer having been trained by Paul Mckenna.<\/p>\n
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Building Healthy Stepfamilies Stepfamilies have a bad image. Think of Snow White\u2019s jealous stepmother or Cinderella\u2019s ugly sisters or at the other end of the spectrum, picture the unrealistically positive stepfamily, such as the Brady Bunch.<\/p>\n But real life is more complicated that either of those stepfamily models and stepchildren have to come to terms with lots of new and often confusing situations – their \u201cnew\u201d family, their parent\u2019s new partner, their new stepbrothers or sisters and a whole new way of life, different rules, different schools, different routines.<\/p>\n The whole experience can leave children feeling isolated, confused, anxious, or resentful and there can also be pressure to be a ‘perfect family’, but it takes time to get to know one another.<\/p>\n So I\u2019ve been exploring stepfamily myths in my research for my next Stepfamily Made Easy CDs, toolkit and book to help you create a great positive stepfamily easily, effortlessly and naturally. Here are some stepfamily myths that need looking at:<\/p>\n Myth 1: <\/strong>Marriages are easier the second time around. Myth 2:<\/strong> All stepfamilies learn to love each other eventually. Myth 4:<\/strong> Children are so adaptable and they\u2019ll quickly and easily accept the situation. Myth 5:<\/strong> If I\u2019m kind and loving to my partner\u2019s children, everything will be okay. Myth 6:<\/strong> Relating to stepchildren is just the same as relating to my own kids. Ron L. Deal, in his book The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, uses a very interesting analogy when talking about stepfamilies. He suggests that rather than \u2018blending a family\u2019; \u2018cooking up a stepfamily\u2019 is a better description.<\/p>\n Blending suggests that everyone merges together easily, whereas in reality, families integrate slowly – just like in a casserole!<\/p>\n To continue the cooking analogy a step further, as a parent you must understand that time and low heat make a healthier\u00a0 family combination.<\/p>\n Let your stepchild dictate the pace of the relationship. Accept that being \u2018Daddy\u2019 to your own child, \u2018James\u2019 to your stepson, and \u2018Mr Harris\u2019 to your new teenage stepdaughter is okay. Be flexible and adaptable in your relationships. Going through any change is difficult, so expect to experience a series of stepfamily stages:<\/p>\n 1. Fantasy stage: Family members are on their best behaviour. During this period everyone imagines they\u2019ll love one another and create one big jolly family living happily ever after.<\/p>\n 2. Confusion stage: Tension grows, happiness begins to slip away, and differences emerge. The romance seems to disappear.<\/p>\n 3. Conflict stage: Anger can start to erupt as family members realise that their needs are not being met. Arguments can begin, and true feelings start to appear. Hopefully, if you\u2019re prepared, negotiations and honest communication can also begin.<\/p>\n 4. Comfort stage: Family members start to relax and begin to look forward to their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds build. Start out in a home that\u2019s new for all, if possible. Doing so makes for less territory squabbles and hurt feelings and can help to get rid of your ghosts from the past.<\/p>\n Develop new traditions as developing new rituals and special celebrations speeds up the sense of belonging and connectedness. This deceptively simple tip represents a key part of successful stepfamily life. It doesn\u2019t matter what your rituals are – pizza on a Wednesday night or bike rides on Sunday afternoon can be effective rituals.<\/p>\n Celebrate every member of your new family. For example, if you keep family pictures on your desk, be sure to include photos of your step kids too.<\/p>\n Nurture your new couple bond. When couples have a good relationship, they\u2019re able to work together on meeting the needs of their children. A good marriage also reduces your feelings of being caught in the middle between the children and your new partner.<\/p>\n Be prepared to adjust visitation and custody timetables. Particularly as your children enter adolescence, you may need to let go of some time with your children, which can be a painful experience. Remember that your teenager\u2019s needs are the overarching concern here. Teens want to spend a significant amount of time with their friends and it\u2019s important they have it.<\/p>\n Words of Wisdom<\/strong><\/p>\n Love generously. As one stepmother said on a course of mine about divorce and stepfamilies, \u2018The children taught us there\u2019s enough love to go round and we don\u2019t have to ration love!\u2019<\/p>\n See life through different perspectives. Trying to see life and situations and problems for a different perspective can be an especially effective tool in creating a loving stepfamily and it\u2019s one area where Parent Coaching really excels to help parents and children move forward to create positive changes really easily.<\/p>\n Communicate, communicate and communicate. Doing this isn\u2019t always easy and if you find it difficult to listen to one another getting someone outside of your immediate family to help you step out from the wood for the trees really helps.<\/p>\n Happy families don’t happen over night they take time, patience and persistence just like anything worthwhile in life. It\u2019s about moving slowly and steadily forward while you all adjust to your new circumstances and it needn\u2019t be painful, fraught with animosity and stressful.<\/p>\n Chopsy Baby asks Sue about the thorny issue of\u00a0 how a step mum or dad should approach the tricky task of discipling the step child.<\/p>\n Sue says: “It\u2019s about getting clear about what is and what isn\u2019t acceptable to you both and letting the children know that you are both singing from the same song sheet \u2013 it takes time and both parents need to be clear about their roles and to talk it through so they are no mis understandings around discipline.”<\/p>\n Chopsy Baby asks how stepfamilies can make sure they treat all children fairly, especially with a new baby, and making sure that the grandparents all do the same?<\/p>\n Sue says: “It\u2019s about making time for your older children \u2013 giving them good quality time on their own maybe only 10 minutes a day so they know that that is ring fenced \u2013 they feel special, heard and listened to \u00a0– a story at bedtime , a game after tea, a chat on the end of the bed with your teenager \u2013 just keeping the bridges of communication open all the time \u2013 handling transition positively. It\u2019s about making sure that grandparents take the other children out or chat with them and don\u2019t just cooo over the new baby either!”<\/p>\n To receive Sue’s free newsletter bursting with practical tips and helpful advice from toddler to teen log, or to read more of her ideas in her CDs and Toolkits, visit: http:\/\/www.positive-parents.com\/product.aspx?id=85 <\/p>\n Raising Happy Children for Dummies is available from the Positive Parents website priced at \u00a315.99<\/p>\n
\nBy Sue Atkins<\/strong><\/p>\n
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\nCinderella doesn\u2019t live here anymore<\/strong><\/p>\n
\nFact: All marriages are different. Of course, both parents learn things from their first marriage, but each relationship is different, unique, and special.<\/p>\n
\nFact: Some do, some don\u2019t. Some family members will grow to
\nlove one another; others merely tolerate each other. But respect is a vital key energy that helps families work and bond
\ntogether.
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\nMyth 3:<\/strong> Stepfamilies work the same way as first-time families.
\nFact: Families develop individually and have their own styles. Blending a family takes time and patience.<\/p>\n
\nFact: Adaptability depends on the child. Some children whose lives change dramatically find accepting others difficult, while others don\u2019t. You can\u2019t predict how your child will come to terms with the new situation that they find themselves in.<\/p>\n
\nFact: It\u2019s a lovely sentiment, but it only looks at a relationship from one side – which is from your perspective. Sometimes children need to grieve and come to terms with the loss of the family they knew. So no matter how nice you are to your stepchild, they may still be unhappy.<\/p>\n
\nFact: Stepchildren and natural children are different. Expecting to feel exactly the same way towards stepchildren as your natural children is unrealistic and remember the feeling can be mutual. If you\u2019ve ever heard \u2018You\u2019re not my Dad -you can\u2019t tell me what to do,\u2019 you understand that step parenting takes patience, skill, and self-control.
\nBlending together<\/p>\n
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\nDealing with the disruption<\/strong><\/p>\n
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\nHere are some guidelines for making an easy transition through the various stages of becoming a healthy stepfamily. <\/strong><\/p>\n![\"savinghapchildren\"](\"http:\/\/chopsybaby.com\/magazine\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/savinghapchildren.jpg\" "\\"savinghapchildren\\"")
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