Chopsy Tips for labour and giving birth

When you find yourself clutching the side of the bed once you have managed to secure a space in the Central Delivery Suite, you will feel the roller coaster cranking up underneath you. Now you will finally find out how something that big gets out of something so small.

Childbirth is a dirty business. The nice publications won’t tell you this. It’s hard, generally semi-naked with blood, wee for some people and poo for others. Yes, there is pain involved, but whoopee for the Western World, we have plenty of painkilling drugs.

Don’t be fooled into thinking giving birth is about pretty matching postnatal pyjamas, expensive first baby kits and somewhere to plug in hair straighteners. In fact, don’t take anything into hospital you don’t want nicked. 

Instead, if you imagine the worst possible place to give birth, hospital won’t seem so bad after all.

During pregnancy, you will get used to weeing on command. This continues during labour and after birth. Pots will vary in size, shape, circumferences, plastics and interestingly, cardboards.

A good sign that the baby is about to burst out is the pressing need to poo. Understandably, a real valid fear women hold is the labour poo ending up on the bed. Every woman has feared it, but in reality it’s less common than you think. Those that do poo rarely find out because a good midwife will have cleared it before you know.

A moderate but alarming burst of diarrhoea in the very late stages of pregnancy is the body’s way of clearing passage before the baby starts its journey out. This is good as it reduces your risk of the labour poo.

Sickness during labour is common. This can be from fear, side effect of drugs, even blood loss.

Whilst childbirth is generally a dirty experience, it is unlikely you will do anything midwives haven’t seen one hundred times before.

If you are sent in to be induced, no matter how many pants you pack, always pack more. Even have a second hospital bag at home with more pants and other essentials you don’t want friends, family or the other half to have to rummage for.

If you are advised to have the syntocinon drip for induction, stop and think. The pain this brings can be a bit of a bugger. Ask about an epidural now no matter how big the letters in your birth plan saying NO EPIDURAL are. Labour pain during induction is worse. It’s harder to get an epidural in if you are writing around in agony. If the thought of the potentially big needle is scary, then just don’t look at it. A good anaesthetist means it shouldn’t hurt.

Despite tales from new mothers that they were forced out of the door seconds after delivering the placenta, this does not ring true. Getting out of the hospital ward can be notoriously difficult. It seems to take ages for paperwork to be completed and there will always be a reason why you or the baby shouldn’t go.

Read about all methods of labour, induction and delivery. The chances are the paragraphs of the Bounty Book that you skip over will be the ones you wished you had poured over for hours.

Read about all methods of assisted delivery. When Sweeny Todd comes in to get the baby out the world’s biggest salad tongs they won’t be an eye-opener.

Remember that no mother can possibly have a more dramatic birth than you. It is your right to have the most grotesque, drama filled delivery possible.

Who wants a beautifully natural drug free birth when you can legally consume as much gas and air as you like. This is fun. Relive those wonderful clubbing moments as your brain dances to the sound of the fetal heartbeat and the entinox takes you back to somewhere circa 1994.

Be prepared to wait. In a maternity unit, the left hand won’t know what the right hand is doing. This means if you are on the ward waiting for a bed in the delivery suite, you never know when your ticket comes up. Pregnant women are unpredictable and don’t labour to time table. Staff can’t guarantee you a time slot. A room will come up when a room is ready and this could be at any time day or night.

Welcome midwives with students. This means that you are unlikely to be left on your own.

Consultants always think they know best. It is OK to disagree with a consultant or ask for a second opinion. In the end, they are most likely to get their own way, but don’t make their life easy if you think they are wrong about something. Challenge anything you are unhappy about.

Simple things make life easier, such as making sure when you are in labour and alone that you can reach the midwife call button. And despite the picture of the nurse with a drink, apparently they don’t provide room service.

When you are on the ward, find out when you can go home. It can be easier to recover in the comfort of your own home. But, if it’s your first child, having meals cooked for you and a short walk to a shower and toilet for a day or so may be to your advantage.

If you stay for more than 24 hours beware the baby’s weight. If your baby loses more than ten per cent of their birth weight the hospital may not want you to leave until it is regained. But, you may have to hassle them into preparing a feeding plan with you.

If you are breastfeeding do take advice from midwives. Some will be brilliantly helpful and inspiring. Others will be as useful as a twice used teabag. All will differ in approach and information, but you will have a useful selection of information from which to choose from.

To find a maternity service near you and to read patient comments, visit: http://www.nhs.uk/servicedirectories/Pages/ServiceSearch.aspx?ServiceType=Hospital&ServiceName=Maternity