Dating for single parents

By Jo Middleton

When I was part of a couple, with two young children, finding time for romance was difficult. Most parents I’m sure find the same – having kids is time consuming and exhausting, and your relationship with your partner inevitably takes a back seat. Effort needs to be made on both sides to make time for each other and maintain the intimacy and sense of freedom that you take for granted before you start a family.

If keeping the romance alive is hard for coupled parents, imagine how difficult it must be for mums and dads parenting alone. Not only do you have to find the time and energy to maintain a partnership, you also need to create opportunities to meet people in the first place. Not an easy task when your life is taken up juggling work, finances and childcare responsibilities.

If you are lucky enough to meet someone you feel could become a part of your family, how do you make that happen? Depending on the ages of your child and your family circumstances, there are a few main issues, namely when and how to introduce a new partner to your children and how to nurture and integrate a new relationship into family life.

Where to meet people
So first things first, how do you go about meeting someone new? Children are obviously a restriction, but this shouldn’t stop you maintaining a social life outside the family, even if it is limited. Making time for yourself is crucial – you won’t thrive as a parent or an individual if you don’t prioritise your own needs, and it is important for your children to see you taking care of yourself.

Whether or not you have children, the same rules of dating apply. You are unlikely to meet the man or woman of your dreams by trawling bars or appearing in any way desperate – the secret is to focus instead on developing your own hobbies, interests and work projects. It is by taking part in activities you enjoy, activities that make you feel confident and enthusiastic, that you will attract like-minded people.

Of course this is easier said than done, especially if you don’t have a network of friends and family able to watch the kids while you’re off water colour painting or mountain biking. The best you can do is to try and build as full a life for yourself as possible, and keep an open mind!

Finding love online
For those who don’t have the luxury of time or a gang of willing babysitters, there is of course always the internet, and like many single parents who spend their evenings confined to the house, I have tried my hand at online dating.

The temptation of course is just to lounge on the sofa of an evening, enjoying the thrill of checking your inbox for new messages, but as fun as this may be, it won’t land you a relationship. I also feel it is a little unfair on the other members, who genuinely are looking to meet someone new.

My friend Jim, a single man in his thirties, has tried his hand at internet dating but he’s been disappointed by his experiences so far. “I get plenty of women contact me in the first instance,” explains Jim, “and they seem really keen. We have some great conversations online, but when I suggest meeting, they back off, saying they aren’t looking to meet anyone in person. I find this really frustrating – I know there are a lot of single mums online who want to protect their children, but if you never open up and take a chance you’re never going to find love.”

Get to know people face to face, but stay safe
If you do decide to give online dating a try I can recommend getting to know someone face to face as soon as possible. I met a man once after too long an exchange of emails, during which I built him up as the perfect man. Of course when we finally met he couldn’t live up to my expectations, no one could. He also had an annoying habit of saying ‘top banana!’ about everything. He never did that in an email and it threw me completely. Lesson learnt – don’t think you can ever really know someone just through an email.

When you take the plunge and decide to meet up with someone you find online, safety should be paramount. You are a parent after all, and have a responsibility to keep yourself safe. Make sure someone knows where you going and when to expect you back. Many people will be wary of giving out their personal details too soon, including their address, and probably rightly so. Use your common sense and rely on your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

Finding the time
Some friends tell me I am too fussy, and it’s true that being a single parent can make you more likely to discount people quickly in the early stages. The truth is that single mums and dads don’t get a lot of time to themselves, it’s a precious commodity, and you want to make the most of it. If you only get one night off a fortnight you want to spend it with someone whose company you really enjoy, not with an uninspiring Mr Maybe. I know I can be quick to judge a potential partner – not something to boast about perhaps, but an inevitable consequence of the pressures of time and a finely honed protective parent instinct.

My friend Amy has been a single parent for several years and admits she would find it hard to make room for a man. “My son spends every other weekend with his father,” says Amy, “which allows me to go out and have my social life when he is spending quality time with his Dad. The time that my son is with his Dad is when we go out and have fun, I am not sure that I would time for a proper boyfriend in my life!”

Meeting the family
One of the biggest dating dilemmas is when to introduce your new love interest to your children. Babies and very young children are easier to accommodate, as they obviously won’t be so aware of the situation, but pre-schoolers and young children may find it hard to understand that this person isn’t meant to be a replacement for their mummy or daddy.

A lot of people, including Hannah, a single mum with a six year old son, make the decision to keep their children completely separate from their romantic life. “I can’t see myself ever introducing a man into my son’s life,” explains Hannah, “I don’t want to confuse him or expose him to any kind of upheaval, and by keeping boyfriends completely out of the picture I feel like I’m protecting him from potential upset.”

I tend to take a more laid back approach, and if I feel comfortable I will introduce someone to my children as a ‘new friend’. As a single parent, my children are involved in a lot of my socialising, so they are used to meeting new people. Unfortunately this doesn’t lend itself well to intimacy. I sneaky snog in the kitchen is not sexy when interrupted by a small child squealing excitedly – ‘Urgh! I saw you kiss!’

Everyone will have different feelings about this, and you have to do what feels right at the time for you. Whatever you decide though, handle the situation with care and sensitivity, and be prepared for some confusion and anger from your child, particularly if you have been on your own for a long time and everyone is used to the existing set up.

Single mum meets single dad?
There is a lot to be said for dating another single parent. A non-parent is never going to be able to empathise in the same way as someone who has first hand experience of parenting. It does mean however that you suddenly have two sets of kids to worry about. If you thought co-ordinating diaries was hard with one family, imagine how tricky it would be for two!

Amy tried her hand at dating a single dad, but found the logistics just too daunting. “I had a relationship with a single dad I met at my son’s nursery when he was around two years old,” says Amy, “which was always conducted around the times when neither of us had our children, when they were staying with the other parent. This was fine in the beginning but became trickier when it came to the idea that we might have to spend time with each others children. That turned out to be just too much for me.”

You could also argue that when you spend 99 per cent of your waking life being a mum, the last thing you want to do in you spare time is have to make an effort with someone else’s children. Dating is for many people an escape, a time to be a person not a parent, to be carefree for a few hours.

Getting your happy ever after
If you do manage to meet someone and get through the introductions without too much trouble, don’t think the work is over. Merging two families can be an ongoing challenge, but the rewards are plenty. Your ultimate priority may be your children, but you still have a responsibility to yourself to be happy. Trust your instincts, stay safe and keep an open mind, and who knows what love might come into your life?

Jo Middleton is a freelance journalist and blogger, and single mum to two daughters. Read more from Jo at her award-winning parenting blog – www.slummysinglemummy.wordpress.com