What do I do when my child says they have no friends? Allison Lee helps out with this tricky situation

February 17, 2010 Chopsy Baby

“It was really upsetting when my daughter came home from her first weeks at school and said she had no friends. I really felt for her and didn’t know what to do.”

Bristol first time mother Emma Reid’s experience is common. But once our pride and joys have joined the school classroom, what if anything can we do to help them on their way?

Author Allison Lee, knowns how daunting and challenging raising children can be. Having worked with youngsters for more than fifteen years, Allison shares her knowledge and experience with Chopsy Baby about what to do when your child says they have no friends.

What do I do when my child says they have no friends?
By Allison Lee

There are varying views with regard to friendships amongst children. Some people think that young children are incapable of forming meaningful friendships until they reach the age of around six or seven years, whilst others firmly believe that pre-school children are capable of developing strong friendships.

One thing is certain however – friendships can be a great source of happiness and contentment in a child’s life. A child who has difficulty relating to others may experience sadness if they are unable to forge lasting, meaningful friendships and it is paramount that parents and other adults demonstrate how to make friends successfully.

There are a number of ways in which parents can encourage their child to relate to others:-
Provide positive role models – parents whose children witness them being diplomatic, kind and helpful are more likely to imitate this kind of behaviour and see it as being the correct way to behave. Parents who are uncooperative and ‘out for themselves’ are more likely to produce mean, self centred children.

Provide the appropriate number of age related toys and resources – siblings who have to share everything may find it difficult to be co-operative if they have to wait too long to play with a particular toy. Although you can’t be expected to purchase multitudes of toys and indeed this can be very costly, nor should you expect three children to play with one doll – this is asking for trouble!

Provide your children with games and activities which encourage co-operation, sharing and turn taking.

Praise your child when they have shown particular kindness towards another or if they have demonstrated an ability to share and take turns.

I firmly believe that all children regardless of their age and stage of development are capable of forming friendships. The nature and intensity of these friendships will, of course, change as the child gets older and becomes more mature but it is important that children understand, from an early age, the importance of making and developing friendships.

It is widely believed that young children, up to the age of two years, enjoy playing side by side but, although they notice each other and the activities someone else is engaged in, it is not usually until children are aged about four years that they begin to learn how to play co-operatively and start to show a preference in who they wish to play with. Usually children under the age of four years will not mind whether they play with children of the same sex as themselves or the opposite sex and it is often the activity which engages their interest rather than the individuals involved.

By the time a child reaches the age of four years they have usually begun to understand the meaning of true friendships and they will actively start to seek the company of those they prefer. Children between the ages of four and seven years place a great emphasis on their friendships and may often become distressed if a particular friend is not in school for some reason. As children become more able to play imaginatively together, the possibilities increase for sharing and enjoying each other’s company.

When a child reaches the age of eight years they have usually begun to form stable friendships based on compatibility and will often choose their friends according to common interests. Between the ages of eight and eleven years friendships appear to involve the same sex and boys tend to be more prone to ‘group’ gatherings with girls preferring to ‘couple up’.

Although some children, who begin life as ‘friends’, perhaps through their parents, may continue their friendship into later life you should be prepared for things to change when your child gets older and becomes more mature. Remember, just because you are good friends with a particular child’s mother, it is not a foregone conclusion that your children’s friendships will develop in the same way. Never try to push children together and ‘make’ them friends, this will often have the opposite affect and drive them further apart.

Once a child begins school they will be mixing with a lot of new children – some they will like and some they won’t. With this new influx of people joining their social circle your child may be overwhelmed with the number of new and exciting prospects these potential friends have to offer and they may even ‘drop’ existing friends they have known for some time. This can have a devastating affect on the child who has been ‘left behind’ in favour of a new bosom buddy and, if your child is the one being overlooked, you will need to offer reassurance and work with them to overcome their feelings of despair.

Although it is important to remember that friendships, although often deep rooted and meaningful, can also be very fragile and will often, in the case of children, fall apart. If your child is on the receiving end of a ‘fall out’ with friends it is important that you acknowledge their feelings and help them to get through the difficult transition they are facing.

It has to be said that some children are more popular than others and, no matter how hard a child may try, that all important popularity may elude them. It is not clear exactly why some children are more popular than others although it would seem that those children with good social skills are more likely to come ahead in popularity stakes.

Popular children are likely to:-
Understand the importance of joining in a game
Understand the importance of sharing and taking turns

Unpopular children are likely to:-
Be forceful and demanding, trying to ‘take over’ rather than join in a game
Be aggressive
Be unsure how to judge people or situations and often wrongly believe that people are being hostile towards them
Be disruptive

In some cases popular children are also likely to be more physically attractive than others and may be the children of financially well off parents, putting them in the position of appearing ‘attractive’ in what they have to offer friends in the way of toys and material possessions.

It appears that only a relatively few children make it to the ‘star’ status of being popular however, it is important to remember that being popular is not something which is vital or indeed even necessary – what you should be striving for is for your child to be accepted generally in order for them to be happy and have friends.

Being accepted, getting on well with peers and having friends is an important complex process which will affect your child’s overall development and general well being. However preparing your child is not just about teaching him or her all about the skills needed for making friends though this is, of course, important.

It is your child’s overall general behaviour which is likely to affect the way he or she is seen by others and whether this behaviour is likely to affect or limit their acceptance amongst their peers. For example a child who appears to be always in trouble or is boisterous or disruptive may find that his behaviour affects his friendships if other children do not wish to associate with him for fear or repercussions.

If this is the case with your own child, and you think that their overall behaviour is affecting their ability to make friends, then you will need to begin by addressing any apparent behaviour issues initially. Children have an innate need to relate to others – even from being babies. It is therefore important to provide them with the opportunity to meet other children and adults from an early age.

Before deciding how to help and encourage your child to make friends it may help you to understand any problems they may be experiencing by answering, honestly, a few simple questions. The questions set out below will help parents to assess the extent and the quality of their child’s present social relationships and these questions are particularly suited to parents with children who are attending some kind of day care session whether this is a nursery or pre-school facility.

Does your child speak to, and respond well with, the adults at his/her nursery or pre-school setting?

Does your child willingly share his/her toys?

Does your child wait his/her turn happily or under duress?

Does your child respond positively when approached by other children?

Does your child prefer to play alone?

Does your child initiate play with others or wait for other children to approach him/her?

Does your child find it difficult to control his/her temper?

Does your child tend to ‘take over’ activities or do they play co-operatively?

Does your child regularly get into fights or disagreements?

In order for a child to develop social skills and form valuable, meaningful friendships they need to know how to work in partnership with others. Some children find making friends easy whilst others struggle to develop friendships.

Those who find it hard to make friends may do so for a number of reasons:-

They may not have any siblings and therefore have no experience of mixing with other children

They may have had no opportunities to mix with other children outside of their home environment

They may live in an isolated area where neighbours are far and few between

They may be shy

They may have experienced bullying

They may lack confidence

If your child finds it difficult to make friends it is vital that you try to help them to learn the skills they need to mix with others. Tackling any problems which appear apparent with regard to socialisation early on is the best way to help your child. By answering the questions raised above you will be able to identify any areas which may be problematic and address these immediately in order to avoid any major problems. This is often easier said than done although there are several ways in which parents can help their child to socialise such as:-

Encouraging your child to join various clubs which they may find interesting and which will enable them to meet other children with shared interests

Encouraging your child to invite some of their fellow class mates to your house for tea and to play – this in turn may lead to the invitation being reciprocated.

Finding out whether they are being bullied

Helping to boost their confidence with lots of praise and encouragement.

Children who lack confidence will be self conscious and will find it difficult to mix with others for fear of rejection. Unfortunately it is not always an easy process to build on confidence and your child will need your encouragement and patience whilst they tackle this skill – giving them lots of praise, in order to make them feel good about themselves, will help to boost their confidence.

Although many parents may worry if their child does not appear to be making lots of friends it is important to remember not to push them until they are ready. A shy, reserved child may retreat even further into their shell if forced into a situation they are not happy with. It is also worth remembering that not every child can be the life and soul of the party and, although some children are very popular and appear to have dozens of friends, others are just as happy, content and fulfilled with just one close and valued friend.

Often childhood ‘fall outs’ are short lived and, within a day or two, the children will have made up and resumed their friendship however, in some cases, this does not happen and the friendship may never be repaired.

Parents must never underestimate the emotions experienced by a child during the breakdown of a friendship. To you the ‘fall out’ may be as a result of something inconsequential, but to your child it can be devastating to experience the backlash of an argument or to feel shunned by those they feel close to.

In order to help your child through a friendship crisis you will need to:-
Take your child seriously. It is important that parents treat their child with respect and listen to their woes.

Recognise that your child is experiencing real feelings of hurt and upset. Never dismiss your child’s feelings or tell them to ‘pull themselves together’. Telling your child to ‘get on with things’ as this is all ‘part of growing up’ will not help their predicament and may even force them to keep their feelings to themselves resulting in further turmoil.

Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes. If possible think back to a time when you experienced similar feelings and try to remember how you felt at that time.

Never laugh at your child’s experiences even if this is in an attempt to ‘make light of the problem’ – remember your child needs you to understand what they are going through.

Try to find out what has happened as gently as possible. What actually caused the rift? Could a bit of diplomacy sort things out? Is there anything you can do to help?

Encourage your child to move on. If there is no chance of the friendship being mended then your child needs to make new friends and, the sooner they are able to do this, the sooner they will be able to move on.

For more help on resolving those tricky childhood problems, Allison has more advice in her book:

Grow Great Kids
Allison Lee
ISBN 978-1-84528-288-2
Available at all good bookstores priced at £10.99
Orders: 01476 541080