Don't trap children in your divorce

Many people make January a whole new start in their lives, and this is the month when most people decide their marriage is over.

Making a huge decision like this affects so many people, and the fall out of it can be huge, but the potentially rising conflict can make children feel trapped. Sue Atkins, a parenting expert, former deputy head and author is calling for parents going down this route to stay strong and present a united front. Working together is important to help your children go through this major life change. 

 Sue said: “Parents often feel overwhelmed, confused and resentful, and panic about how they are going to handle changes in their family’s way of life. These feelings can manifest as animosity which then turns the divorce process into a battle trapping the children in the middle. Parents need to realise that they can make positive choices during the emotional time of a divorce.”

To make the transition as painless as possible Sue has some practical advice for parents now finding themselves in this situation:

What do your children need from you both? “Think about the way you want to handle their insecurity & their need to express feelings.  You will need to consider their need for security and reassurance that you will both still be their parents and both be there to love, support, nurture and guide them.

How will you tell them you are getting a divorce? “You will need to weigh up whether you tell each child on their own, together, or as a combination.  You need to make a joint decision as to what is best for each of your children and for you as their parents. By both of you telling them together they will see that you are not blaming each other and that there is no need for them to take sides.

How will you answer their questions? “Likely questions that will be asked are: “Will we still see you and spend time with you?” “Who will take us to football?” “Who will we live with and where?” “Will we still see Nana and Grandad?”  You may not know all the answers just yet but you will need to reassure them that you will have more clarity and answers soon and that they do not need to worry.

Manage your emotions  “If you see divorce as a negative, painful angry time – it will be.  If you see it as a major life crisis that can be handled with dignity in a positive way and is a step towards a new life with new opportunities – it will be.  Your children will feel more secure if you appear calm and in control.  You will inevitably want to cry, rant and vent your frustrations, just don’t do it in front of your children.  You are a role model and how you handle this major event is a blueprint for how they will handle stressful situations in their lives.

Give them reassurances and guarantees “Each write seven reassurances and guarantees that you can honestly give to your children. These are things that will help your child cope with the enormous changes that are ahead.  Be honest.  Don’t give false promises as you will destroy their confidence.

Above all, work together  “You may not have been a united front whilst married, but you must take this opportunity to work together for the good of your children,” says Sue Atkins.  “Remember: divorce changes but does not end a family.  Your children are now members of two families.”
For more information, visit Sue’s website www.positive-parents.com