Building Healthy Stepfamilies
A recent staff discussion at Chopsy Baby, left us all feeling that perhaps Cinderella had a pretty good PR department. There was a possibility that her evil stepsisters and scheming stepmother may not have been as bad as they were portrayed to be. Surely there was no way Cinderella could have been a tad manipulative?
“I found becoming part of a new family made up of two parents with their own set of children was so much harder than I thought it would be,” confesses Abbie Davies, from Bristol.
“At first it was good because we were all being nice and polite to each other, but things got harder as time went on when it came to keeping everyone happy. The strains of doing the best for all the children, difficulties with grandparents, finance and of course, both our ex partners took their toll.
“There are so many difficulties and no one to go to when you need help or advice. It’s a complicated mix of emotion, boundaries and parenting children that are not your own. When conflict arises it’s so difficult to communicate it without rowing. Step parenting can tear new families apart very quickly.”
We asked Sue Atkins, Parent Coach and author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies to tell us how to build a healthy stepfamily.
Sue is a former Deputy Head with 22 years of teaching experience as well as being a mother to two teenage children. She is an NLP Master Practitioner and trainer having been trained by Paul Mckenna.
Building Healthy Stepfamilies
By Sue Atkins
Stepfamilies have a bad image. Think of Snow White’s jealous stepmother or Cinderella’s ugly sisters or at the other end of the spectrum, picture the unrealistically positive stepfamily, such as the Brady Bunch.
But real life is more complicated that either of those stepfamily models and stepchildren have to come to terms with lots of new and often confusing situations – their “new” family, their parent’s new partner, their new stepbrothers or sisters and a whole new way of life, different rules, different schools, different routines.
The whole experience can leave children feeling isolated, confused, anxious, or resentful and there can also be pressure to be a ‘perfect family’, but it takes time to get to know one another.
So I’ve been exploring stepfamily myths in my research for my next Stepfamily Made Easy CDs, toolkit and book to help you create a great positive stepfamily easily, effortlessly and naturally.
Cinderella doesn’t live here anymore
Here are some stepfamily myths that need looking at:
Myth 1: Marriages are easier the second time around.
Fact: All marriages are different. Of course, both parents learn things from their first marriage, but each relationship is different, unique, and special.
Myth 2: All stepfamilies learn to love each other eventually.
Fact: Some do, some don’t. Some family members will grow to
love one another; others merely tolerate each other. But respect is a vital key energy that helps families work and bond
together.
Myth 3: Stepfamilies work the same way as first-time families.
Fact: Families develop individually and have their own styles. Blending a family takes time and patience.
Myth 4: Children are so adaptable and they’ll quickly and easily accept the situation.
Fact: Adaptability depends on the child. Some children whose lives change dramatically find accepting others difficult, while others don’t. You can’t predict how your child will come to terms with the new situation that they find themselves in.
Myth 5: If I’m kind and loving to my partner’s children, everything will be okay.
Fact: It’s a lovely sentiment, but it only looks at a relationship from one side – which is from your perspective. Sometimes children need to grieve and come to terms with the loss of the family they knew. So no matter how nice you are to your stepchild, they may still be unhappy.
Myth 6: Relating to stepchildren is just the same as relating to my own kids.
Fact: Stepchildren and natural children are different. Expecting to feel exactly the same way towards stepchildren as your natural children is unrealistic and remember the feeling can be mutual. If you’ve ever heard ‘You’re not my Dad -you can’t tell me what to do,’ you understand that step parenting takes patience, skill, and self-control.
Blending together
Ron L. Deal, in his book The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, uses a very interesting analogy when talking about stepfamilies. He suggests that rather than ‘blending a family’; ‘cooking up a stepfamily’ is a better description.
Blending suggests that everyone merges together easily, whereas in reality, families integrate slowly – just like in a casserole!
To continue the cooking analogy a step further, as a parent you must understand that time and low heat make a healthier family combination.
Let your stepchild dictate the pace of the relationship. Accept that being ‘Daddy’ to your own child, ‘James’ to your stepson, and ‘Mr Harris’ to your new teenage stepdaughter is okay. Be flexible and adaptable in your relationships.
Dealing with the disruption
Going through any change is difficult, so expect to experience a series of stepfamily stages:
1. Fantasy stage: Family members are on their best behaviour. During this period everyone imagines they’ll love one another and create one big jolly family living happily ever after.
2. Confusion stage: Tension grows, happiness begins to slip away, and differences emerge. The romance seems to disappear.
3. Conflict stage: Anger can start to erupt as family members realise that their needs are not being met. Arguments can begin, and true feelings start to appear. Hopefully, if you’re prepared, negotiations and honest communication can also begin.
4. Comfort stage: Family members start to relax and begin to look forward to their future together. Communication is deeper and bonds build.
Here are some guidelines for making an easy transition through the various stages of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
Start out in a home that’s new for all, if possible. Doing so makes for less territory squabbles and hurt feelings and can help to get rid of your ghosts from the past.
Develop new traditions as developing new rituals and special celebrations speeds up the sense of belonging and connectedness. This deceptively simple tip represents a key part of successful stepfamily life. It doesn’t matter what your rituals are – pizza on a Wednesday night or bike rides on Sunday afternoon can be effective rituals.
Celebrate every member of your new family. For example, if you keep family pictures on your desk, be sure to include photos of your step kids too.
Nurture your new couple bond. When couples have a good relationship, they’re able to work together on meeting the needs of their children. A good marriage also reduces your feelings of being caught in the middle between the children and your new partner.
Be prepared to adjust visitation and custody timetables. Particularly as your children enter adolescence, you may need to let go of some time with your children, which can be a painful experience. Remember that your teenager’s needs are the overarching concern here. Teens want to spend a significant amount of time with their friends and it’s important they have it.
Words of Wisdom
Love generously. As one stepmother said on a course of mine about divorce and stepfamilies, ‘The children taught us there’s enough love to go round and we don’t have to ration love!’
See life through different perspectives. Trying to see life and situations and problems for a different perspective can be an especially effective tool in creating a loving stepfamily and it’s one area where Parent Coaching really excels to help parents and children move forward to create positive changes really easily.
Communicate, communicate and communicate. Doing this isn’t always easy and if you find it difficult to listen to one another getting someone outside of your immediate family to help you step out from the wood for the trees really helps.
Happy families don’t happen over night they take time, patience and persistence just like anything worthwhile in life. It’s about moving slowly and steadily forward while you all adjust to your new circumstances and it needn’t be painful, fraught with animosity and stressful.
Chopsy Baby asks Sue about the thorny issue of how a step mum or dad should approach the tricky task of discipling the step child.
Sue says: “It’s about getting clear about what is and what isn’t acceptable to you both and letting the children know that you are both singing from the same song sheet – it takes time and both parents need to be clear about their roles and to talk it through so they are no mis understandings around discipline.”
Chopsy Baby asks how stepfamilies can make sure they treat all children fairly, especially with a new baby, and making sure that the grandparents all do the same?
Sue says: “It’s about making time for your older children – giving them good quality time on their own maybe only 10 minutes a day so they know that that is ring fenced – they feel special, heard and listened to – a story at bedtime , a game after tea, a chat on the end of the bed with your teenager – just keeping the bridges of communication open all the time – handling transition positively. It’s about making sure that grandparents take the other children out or chat with them and don’t just cooo over the new baby either!”
To receive Sue’s free newsletter bursting with practical tips and helpful advice from toddler to teen log, or to read more of her ideas in her CDs and Toolkits, visit: http://www.positive-parents.com/product.aspx?id=85
Raising Happy Children for Dummies is available from the Positive Parents website priced at £15.99
