How does divorce or separation affect a child?

This is our second article by author Allison Lee, on how to deal with difficult situations involving your children.

How does divorce or separation affect a child?
By Allison Lee

Divorce and separation of parents rates very highly in today’s family structures and the divorce rate in the UK is one of the highest on record.  Divorce and separation can affect children enormously as they struggle to come to terms with the family unit they have come to depend on.  It is not unusual for children to experience a whole range of feelings and emotions including:-

Sadness
Anger
Grief
Guilt
Lack of confidence
Mistrust
Fear
Rejection

It is very important that parents acknowledge their children’s feelings and allow them to talk openly about the marriage or partnership break up if they are old enough to do so.  One of the most important factors to consider when going through a marriage or relationship break up is the stability of the child.  Children need routine and structure in their lives and divorce and separation will have a huge impact on this.  It is necessary for both parents to work together to reassure the children that they are still very much loved and cared for however acrimonious the break up may be.

Although it is often difficult for warring couples to remain on friendly terms it is essential that you work out what is best for the children involved before fighting over who gets what and how much the settlement is going to be!  Children need to have their feelings and welfare taken into account and it has to be understood that, no matter how amicable a divorce or separation is and no matter how often the parents will deny it, it will have an impact on the children involved.  Just how drastic an impact it has will be, in the long run, down to the parents.

In an ideal world, even after a divorce or separation, both parents would see the children on a regular basis and have equal input in their lives.  However we do not live in an ideal world and in some cases this is simply not possible.  Some children will have to cut all ties with a parent following a divorce or separation, they may move to another area or even another country and lose contact with family and friends all of which will add to the distress they are already experiencing.

Parents need to recognise their child’s need to grieve for the break up of the relationship just as they themselves may mourn the shattered plans and dreams they have harboured.  It is important that neither parent apportions blame to the other in front of the child and that both parents are on hand to help and support the child through this difficult period.  Try to stick to usual routines as much as possible.  Remember, although divorce and separation are often unpleasant they are not insurmountable and life will return to normality once everyone has a chance to come to term with events.  The trick is not to hide what is happening or shut the child out if they obviously wish to talk to you about the situation.  Answer their questions and concerns as honestly and as openly as you can within their boundaries of age and understanding.

The majority of children’s reactions to divorce can be summarised in the following ways:-

Pre-school children – are unlikely to understand the full implications of divorce.  They may appear sad and frightened when their parents separate.  It is common for pre-school children to become clingy and exhibit demanding behaviour.  They may show aggression and have problems sleeping.

Primary school-aged children – are likely to experience sadness and grief when their parents separate.  However most will also display anger particularly towards the parent with whom they are living.  Blame is usually apportioned to the remaining parent whilst the absent one tends to be idolised.

Pre-adolescent children – are likely to understand the full implications of their parent’s separation however, because they experience pain and embarrassment acutely they may be unwilling or unable to talk about their feelings leading to fears and concerns being bottled up.  They may appear unconcerned and seek solace in other distractions.  Often children of this age will side with one parent and may even refuse to see the other.

Adolescents – are likely to experience a range of emotions and may even withdraw from family life.  It is during this time that some children may ‘go off the rails’ seeking solace for example in friends who may be unsuitable and have a detrimental affect on their wellbeing.

Feelings of loss and isolation can affect the way a child behaves.  Whilst some children will cope admirably, shrug off the past and get on with making new friends and may even look at the whole episode as an adventure, others will not be so resilient and may take a long time to adjust to their new circumstances.  They may become quiet and withdrawn, fearing future rejection if they build up a new network of friends, or they may become attention seeking and difficult to handle.

Although no one can really be sure how divorce or separation of a child’s parents will affect them until later on in their lives it has to be acknowledged that marital break ups are one of the most common adverse life events experienced by children and over a quarter of all babies born in the UK today are likely to experience parental separation before they reach school leaving age.

Grow Great Kids
Allison Lee
ISBN 978-1-84528-288-2
Available at all good bookstores priced at £10.99

Orders: 01476 541080
www.howtobooks.co.uk