How to remain calm when child-induced stress levels are high

You know those moments. You are going to blow like Vesuvius. It is always child related and can be caused by anything from hours of colicky baby to four year old writing on the wall with a Sharpie. Have you chosen ‘the wrong day to quit sniffing glue’? Here are some useful tips to get through the next hour:

Gina Ford books are brilliant. Some bright spark is bound to give you one. These will be invaluable when your baby has a cold and you need to prop the top legs of the cot up slightly. Also useful should you run out of toilet roll.

When your child has irritated you beyond belief, do not rise to the challenge. Ignore their bad behaviour designed to get your attention. Eat some of their treat chocolate – like Easter Egg – in the cupboard.

If it’s past five in the evening and you are not going anywhere, wine is good. So is a small gin and tonic, a freshing lager shandy or at worst a double vodka and coke.

If you don’t drink, go for coffee cake. Ignore serving suggestion of eight portions, there is clearly only one portion. Get spoon.

Do you have one of those pointless scatter cushions on the bed? Firstly why? And secondly, forget the why part and scream into them instead.

Turn off any children’s TV. We only had 3 – 4 channels growing up with around an hour and a half of children’s programmes per day. If Thomas the Tank Engine’s moon face is making your blood pressure soar turn it off. Do not buy lots of character based merchandise. This will only cause Thomas Moon Face Rage when you find the smug sod smiling at you from everywhere.

There it is on the wall. A giant scribble in blood red Sharpie. This is a true test of character. What will mum do? Do anything except what they expect. Draw another scribble next to it or explain why this is not acceptable in the style of a West End musical.