Why were you late for school? Seagulls

We’ve had a good selection of bonkers reasons entered into the school late book’s Why? section.

On Tuesday that was seagulls.

The only reason people say it’s lucky to be pooed on by birds is to quell the combination of embarrassment and volcanic anger that rises from within.

There is absolutely nothing lucky about storming from home at 7am, making it 30 ft along the pavement before being drenched in so much seagull poo from hostile birds that the only thing to be done is to return home, re-shower everyone and change. It’s so hard to dry washing in flats that three sets of 20 minute worn outfits back in the laundry basket (above) is a tragedy. Anyone who has ever seen or experienced flying seagulls poo across a half mile distance will know the rage.

In Bristol, there are more than 2,500 pairs of breeding seagulls causing utter mayhem on the city’s streets.

The giant winged squawking beasts keep residents up during the night and attack unsuspecting Greggs pasty consumers in Broadmead on an hourly basis.

The large population has been attributed to the city’s docks and large number of post club take aways in the centre. Research this week finds that seagulls even have their favourite take aways.

Luckily for residents, the increased population has taken to Bird-an Migration, terrorising families further and further from their favourite kebab shops.

Bristol City Council is half way through a ten year project to control the population of seagulls in the city by investing in 2000 Dummy Eggs.

The dummy eggs replace real eggs which fool seagulls into thinking they are real ones to look after. The idea is that the seagulls look after the dummy eggs which never hatch and the birds don’t lay new ones.

The approach is definitely not working in the St Judes area of Bristol. My nurturing six year old has had hours of joy in the evenings watching several families of seagulls tend to their baby birds on the rooves of neighbouring buildings. I have spent several nights bellowing at them to shut up at 3am through inches of posh acoustic glass.

But a hardy warning to anyone visiting central Bristol or Broadmead areas. Keep your food out of sight. Eat indoors. Because if you take a look up at the top of shops, there’s a lot of beady eyes on your steak bake and apple danish.