How to cope in London – a guide for Wurzels

1. You know you are in London because everything around you literally turns to brown. There are 16 million different shades of brown in London. These shades will start to invade the surrounding areas 15 minutes past Reading.

2. Never look directly at anyone. It will make them uncomfortable.

3. What ever you do, do not talk to anyone you don’t know. They will think you are going to mug them.

4. Never stop running. Keep going, don’t stop whatever happens. Never have your travel card anywhere but glued to your hand. See their anger at tube barriers at your own risk.

5. Don’t make eye contact. You will scare them. They will think you are the local nutter come to talk to them. They will raise the Metro barrier.