Rules for using supermarkets

Key Points To Remember:

Remember, Asda in Bedminster is the best place for punch ups, no one will notice.

Off shopping without babies or children? Feeling super-fit today? Then by all means, make sure you park in the parent and child spaces. You’re a winner you are!

Make sure you take up the whole aisle when you bump into a friend. Never let anyone get past you.

Chatting to your baby around the supermarket is fine. But loudly telling your three week old baby that ‘we only eat organic hummus’ makes you look a tit.

Place your coupons and Nectar card right at the bottom of your bag.

Never take less than ten minutes to find your purse.

Insist on splitting the total amount between three different debit cards and a purse full of coppers and moths.

If you can’t get this right, you can also have a row with the self-service machines. Make sure you confuse it with unexpected item in bagging area. For added fun, take a brimming shopping trolley with you. If you want the staff to work harder, fill it with alcohol, knives and magazines.

And finally, don’t forget to abandon your trolley so that it blocks parking spaces. Get ten points if it rolls away and bangs the paintwork on someone else’s car.